I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
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my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes