[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
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My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”