I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
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[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Time for evil
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
What’s so funny?
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!