When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
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2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah