I drew y’all a little something.
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Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years