Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
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My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.