Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
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URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach