I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
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One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
kevin is now a local weatherman
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”