“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
You Might Also Like
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”