“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
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Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Important
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Aaaa…CHOO!
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place