If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
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[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.