Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
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I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.