@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
You Might Also Like
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.