I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
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Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND