It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
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[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
Lmao the reply
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.