*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
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I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
What the dentist sees
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
All generalizations are stupid.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.