imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
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my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click