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I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
😲 WTF? 😆
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
My neck, my back, my…
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*