Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
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Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.