Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
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i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.