Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
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Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone