When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
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My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?