Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
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The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
That’s not how days work.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other