I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
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[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.