*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
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Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
this chia pet tastes awful
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.