Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
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Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
that lip filler tho
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.