The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
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Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.