America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
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wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish