who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
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Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”