All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
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Swedish for common sense.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Tier 3 meme
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Awesome parenting 😂
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone