Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
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I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics