2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
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Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows