Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
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Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
#winning
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
This guy gets it.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?