Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
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HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Harsh but fair
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.