Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
You Might Also Like
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
My dad teaching me to drive
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
if my sleeping schedule was a person
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear