*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
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Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.