I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
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Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.