No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
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A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
u spoke cat all this time??????
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP: