God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
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If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater