Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
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Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
wtf is a larm clock?
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell