Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
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i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.