if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
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“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
based al yankovic
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
good let them take over I have had enough
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.