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Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
The struggle is real.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time