A bunch of bras is called a support group.
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Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Who chose this font
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Florida man
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?