The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
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“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.