My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
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*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
just witnessed a drug deal
From my Mom
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.