Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
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TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
calling in to work dehydrated
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
#parenting
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.