What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
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[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
These aliens are taking forever.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.