[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
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Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.