Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
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I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face